Thoughts…

  I Lean- Over the last four months, my life has taken some unexpected turns. Though they be divinely directed, my human heart at times cannot bare the weight of the pain. In these moments I know the strength of my Lord and Savior. These titles are personal to me; my relationship and heart position toward my Creator may be quite different than most may relate. Each person’s walk with God is very individual  and unique. I feel mine is deep and at times desperate. When you literally feel your heart breaking, the pain of loosing your hope and dreams so tangible your human body fails; He was there for me, my sweet Savior standing there with comfort in His eyes and strength unspeakable in His mighty right hand holding up my broken soul. Every step I have made this season has taken me deep into a wilderness. I have dealt with anger and bitterness and the soul’s deep longing to know…why? Why could things not go the way I had planned… Why could my dreams and my hopes not come to fruition… Why did my whole world come crashing down… And then in my sad pathetic pitifully weak human moment of not understanding anything…I chose to lean, lean on my Beloved. He encourages me to take a step of obedience; Obedience  to His sweet voice speaking to my confused soul. In the obedience I find stability for each step. Not for the entire path, for I know not the full journey I’m taking, but just the step for which I’m making. So in obedience, I step deeper into the wilderness. It makes no sense, no logical explanation as to why I would pursue this wilder of pain and all the unknowns of the territory. But the calling of my Beloved saying, “Trust me, watch this!” His provision has surprised me, His strategic plan unfolding as I believe! I lean deeper into Him no matter what others say, no matter how they behave; I’m protected and covered. I am His and He is mine. He holds my future; He is a jealous God, not willing to take second place to any god before Him. He is the author of every line of this Love Story of my soul. So in this chapter, I am being refined and healed in the wilderness. I’m leaning and depending on His strength. Oh how He covers ALL; all my pain, my mistakes, my shame, my failures… He covers it all with His crimson blood shed for me. Knowing He has the end written in letters of deep crimson… My future is already written and stained by His gracious sacrifice. All I hold to is that I WILL rise from this wilderness leaning on my beloved. I WILL rise from this pain and desperation, healed and refined to carry out the author’s plan. For He knows the plans He has for ME! So I lean…

Thoughts…

  My brain screams, “Woman, get your ISH* together!” I have got to be organized, prepared and have my head about me, if I am going to do this single momma journey in any way beneficial. I have chosen to leave chaos and abuse behind. Yet, I’m stepping into a path of alot of uncertainty. But seriously, think about it, coming home to a drunk every day is uncertain. Not knowing how they are going to respond to you at any given moment is uncertain. Not being able to depend on them to take the kids to practice because they came home early and decided to start drinking is uncertain. Not being able to pay rent because they are resitant to learning how to manage money is uncertain.

So WOMAN STEP UP! You have the strength to do this. Get a day planner and write down your schedule don’t leave anything out. The visual and the ability to cross off tasks will make it manageable. Plan ahead… whats the saying? “Those who DON’T plan, plan to Fail!” Well, Momma you can’t afford to fail; your littles are looking to you for consistency, strength, calm, and peace. Yes, it’s all on you to provide that. BUT (this is a really big but!) YOU ARE NOT ALONE! I moved across the country away from all my family, my friends, my securities. My Faith in Christ alone is holding me together. I have watched time and time again God provide and change the circumstances of my reality. I do what I know I need to do and HE is there carrying me and giving me the grace to do it all.

So, my word of advice to all those mommas out there doing it solo… Get your ISH* together. Here are three things I consider a must:

1. WRITE it down. Your schedule, your shopping list, your menu, your list of things to do.

2. PLAN ahead. I don’t care if you have to do this while you sit on the toilet or on your phone before you fall asleep. Make a plan and stick to it. Prepare the night before (I know you are F***ing exhausted!!) but, trust me this 5 minutes of laying out clothes and shoes and yes the SOCKS, will make your entire day go more smoothe.

3. Cry in the shower. Keep it together until you are alone and just cry it out. THEN, pray and praise your Savior. Your mood will change and you will feel lighter, I swear!

Momma you got this; the hard season of being solo, is better then any F’d up abusive marriage any day!