Wisdom from the first time around…

  I wrote this years ago, the first time I chose to walk away from an abusive relationship. I knew God was with me. I also later chose to continue in the relationship due to my own fears. Now, so many years later my relationship is in the final stages of separation. I am healing and I am at peace. My story is not complete.

God Moments-

Have you ever experienced a “God Moment”… When he literally appears in your everyday life? It takes you back, resetting your course and direction… Well here is just one of mine.

While standing in the kitchen, prepping the dinner for my boys, my mind was in a whirlwind. I found my self going over and over my current situation, I had doubt and pains rising to the surface like the dross of a boiling vat of gold being purified. Every raw and fearful emotion was rushing to the surface of my human existence, as I stood there waiting for the rice to finish cooking. Meanwhile, my very spirited 5 year old sat in the breakfast nook explaining an intense playground scene from school earlier that day.

 As I engaged him in his story, he went from seated to standing right next to me. He stopped, looked up and for a brief moment he became God’s 2’x4′. I looked down, still feeling desperation and doubt, hiding behind my “mommy mask” of “everything’s fine”. My mind was asking, “Why God?”, “What is your purpose in bringing up ALL this pain, pulling all my doubts and failures to the surface of my broken heart?”. As my precious boy gently placed his arms around my waist, gripping his tiny little hands together. He opened his mouth and God’s comfort and affirmations rolled off his tongue.  “Momma, your eyes are watering?” I answer back, “I know buddy, sometimes that happens.” With his eyes still piercing mine he proceeds, “Momma, your the best mommy ever!” Placing his head on my hip with his hands now tightly squeezing my frame, now I knew all the reasons. Every “why” and “how come” was answered, as God’s 2’x4′ struck my soul’s core. I knew why I had taken this journey in the first place. I knew God was speaking to my soul, lifting me out of my bleak hidden moment of sorrow! I knew my purpose as MOTHER and PROTECTOR. All this was for my babies. All this is to see my sons stand as honorable men. My “sacrifices” and painful decisions that go against every fiber of my strong will, lead to this conclusion… I am their rock in this insane world. I set the course they will follow. I have the God given responsibility to leave a blessed legacy. A legacy of God-revering, men of honor and faith. Men that stand for truth and integrity… Men that are nothing like this world so sadly portrays! So my spirit answered that cry from within and above… ‘For I know the plans I am planning for you,’ declares יהוה, ‘plans of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and an expectancy. (Jeremiah 29:11 ISR98). Oh that, EXPECTANCY! Now, welling up inside, shakes me to my bones!! God I trust you, I lean on you and not on my feeble understanding of these fleeting moments in human form… HE knows the end of this story!